Thursday, April 11, 2013

DISORDERED

every morning i wake up and i switch off my alarm clock. i push my blankets away from my body and i look down, desperately hoping that what i see is something beautiful.

it never is.

i grew up quite petite, with tiny wrists and a flat stomach. i was short and weighed about ten kilograms less than the majority of my grade. but when i hit puberty, the boobs came and the height came and so did the weight. but nothing prepared me for finishing high school, where food and beer and all these things that i indulged in made me feel like there was two of me - doubling me in size. and i cried because all i wanted was to be halved again.

i am trying to hard to be who i used to be. i put myself on stupid restrictions and exercise until i cry because i used to skinny and i used to have friends who loved me and a boy who would hold me when i cried. but i've lost her. i am a shadow of who i used to be, and my life is not what it was.

i continue to attempt to focus on the things that are, rather than the things that are not. now, i have beautiful clothes and boobs and enough money to buy the things i want. now, i am old enough to decorate my body as i want to. but i can't help but feel like i'm missing something.

i can't help but feel like if i were the same little girl, with thin wrists and a flat stomach, i would have friends and i would be loved.

but instead, i am alone and unloved and when i look at my wrists and my stomach all i can see is shame, a warped shell of who i used to be. 

4 comments:

Nips S said...

wow was refreshing reading this, so much emotion something that the world expressed not often specially not there insecurities and issues =) Just started blogging and although mine's completely different still could relate to some of that...wanting to go...the desperation of wanting to be liked. Definitely. needing to be liked is my form of validation and trying to love and accept myself. Yet so far from it. hope the writing goes well! =) x

Nips S said...

wanting to go back to the person i use to be*

Laura Brennan said...

Well that's fucking depressing! Buck up lady! Your self worth has nothing to do with a dress size mate!

Andrew MacLaren-Scott said...

May this random visitor humbly suggest it is your body image that is disordered, not your body, based on the lovely profile image you offer. I used to suffer the same way, perhaps unusual for a male... but now I'm 58 I just dare not look :)